He Is Dead, I Am Alive
by RobinByrd
Summary: A short story depicting Shepard's feelings after realizing she survived killing the Reapers and won't be reunited with her love, Thane Krios, in the afterlife any time soon. Much sadness, including guilt about killing the synthetics so be prepared for that. (P.S. Joker is going to be a big part of this for all of you Joker Lovers out there. Title and genre are subject to change.)
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, so this idea has been bouncing around in my head for a while and I felt an incredible need to write it down today. The idea is that Shepard goes with destroying the Reapers, and survives. The problem is that she had been looking forward to death and being reunited with Thane. When that is denied to her, she loses the will to exist. I'd say the will to live, but that doesn't quite cover it. Anyway, this short is from when she wakes up in the hospital until she begins to live again. It may take a while for completion, so I hope you all bare with me. Also, I cried a little writing this because it is so sad. I hope I got those emotions across.**

**BIOWARE OWNS MASS EFFECT.**

* * *

Liara sat next to Shepard's bed, reading from the book of Robert Frost poems that Shepard had bought for her when they had first been together on the Normandy SR1. "He's always been my favorite poet," she had said. "I hope you can get as much pleasure from his words as I have over the years." Liara smiled remembering the way Shepard had dropped her eyes and began shifting from foot to foot. It was the first time she had ever seen the Great Commander Shepard show any type of nervousness.

As she continued reading from the book as a tear escaped her eye. She may never see Shepard move again. She had been in a coma since they had found her in the rubble on Earth after she had destroyed the Reapers. At least, everyone assumed she had, as she had not yet awaken to tell the tale.

Liara shook her head, turning the page from Asking For Roses and moving on to Nothing Gold Can Stay. She began reading the short poem, her voice taking on a cadence so that she barely recognized it as her own. Her heart broke as she read the words aloud, but her voice never faltered...

Nature's first green is gold,  
Her hardest hue to hold.  
Her early leaf's a flower;  
But only so an hour.  
Then leaf subsides to leaf,  
So Eden sank to grief,  
So dawn goes down today  
Nothing gold can stay.

Liara wiped a hand over her eyes, trying to stem the flow of tears that fell upon the pages of the book she held. "He's right, Shepard," she whispered to the still form of her best friend. "Nothing gold can stay..."

She moved to kiss Shepard's temple, brushing her short hair from her forehead. Liara jumped when she heard a groan. She pulled back, eyes wide, as Shepard made another noise, her head shifting and her eyelids fluttering. "Shepard!" Liara exclaimed, the Frost book falling from her hands, forgotten. "Shepard, can you hear me?"

"Thane..."

Liara's heart sunk. "No, Shepard. It's Liara."

Shepard opened her eyes, slowly, squinting around until she found Liara's face. "Liara? What are you doing here?"

"I've been here every day, Shepard. I never left," Liara said through her tears. Her hand found Shepard's. "I'm here."

"Why?" Shepard whispered. Then her eyes got wide. "I'm not dead."

Liara sighed, a small smile on her lips. "No, Shepard. You're alive. We're at Heurta Memorial. You've been in a coma. Try to relax, you haven't moved in some time, and your wounds are still not fully healed."

Shepard closed her eyes. "Then Thane..."

Liara's smile faltered. "Thane is gone, Shepard. I'm sorry."

Shepard opened her eyes, focusing on Liara... and then she began to cry.

* * *

"Harlow, let me go! I need to see her!"

"Garrus, I'm not letting you go," Harlow said calmly, still holding Garrus's arms behind his back as he struggled to get free. "I told you, she doesn't want to see anyone."

"I don't care! I'm going in there!" Garrus renewed his struggle against the C-sec officer, determined to get in to see Shepard. He had to. She was his best friend, she was awake, and he wasn't taking no for an answer.

"Garrus, calm down," Tali said from somewhere beside him. He was too focused on the door to Shepard's room to pinpoint her location. "If she doesn't want to see us, then we can't force her."

"I'm going," he growled.

Garrus twisted in Harlow's hold, managing to get one arm free enough to elbow the officer in the gut, causing him to lose his hold and double over. Garrus ran forward, entering Shepard's room and securing the door before anyone could stop him.

What he saw had his mandibles on the floor.

Shepard was awake. It seemed that was the only improvement though. Her skin was paler then normal, her eyes sunken. There were tubes going into her arms, presumably to feed her as, from what Liara had told him, she had refused to eat. Her hair was matted and her lips were dry and flakey. Apparently she refused to drink as well. But that wasn't the worst part.

When he entered the room she had turned her gaze to him, and he could feel his heart breaking for her. Her eyes, her lovely emerald eyes, usually so full of laughter and determination, were terrifyingly blank and dull... as if she really were dead.

"Shepard..."

She turned from him without a word, her focus going back to the window. She didn't say a word, didn't even acknowledge his existence other then that brief, lifeless glance.

"Shepard, I'm so glad you're okay. Do you have any idea how worried I've been?"

No response.

He moved toward her, his voice shaking as he spoke. "Look at me, Shepard. Talk to me."

Nothing.

"Please..." he begged.

Lifeless eyes continued to stare out the window, never really focusing on anything. Garrus could feel his throat tightening as his heart was shattered in his chest. This wasn't Shepard. This was not his best friend. This was a cheap imitation, and nothing more. She looked like one of those undead creatures in the zombie movies she had loved so much. It hit him with more force then he expected, making him take a step back... Shepard was gone.

He didn't hear the doors open behind him. He only knew they had when Tali's hand found his own.

"She's... gone," he whispered, choking on the last word. He took a shaky breath. "Her eyes..." His voice was barely more then a whisper.

He heard a small sob come from Tali, and turned to embrace her, to comfort her, but his eyes never left what was a shell of his best friend.

* * *

"She wouldn't talk to you, either." Liara's words weren't a question, but Garrus shook his head anyway. Liara sighed, her eyes dropping and her shoulders sagging. She suddenly felt very old. "She woke up looking for Thane."

"Oh, Keelah," Tali gasped. "She's like this because she thought she would die. She wanted to."

Liara nodded, unable to look at her friends, but she felt the truth in Tali's words. She let out a defeated sigh. "Yes, I thought that as well."

"How long as she been like this?" Garrus asked, his voice quieter then usual.

"Since she woke up, pretty much," Liara told him, still unable to meet his eyes. "She asked for Thane, and when I told her he was gone, she cried. That only lasted for a few minutes." She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. "Then... this. It was like she lost the will to live. She even lost the will to grieve." Liara shook her head and began to pace. "I should have known something was wrong. I should have prevented this. When Thane died, she didn't cry, didn't mourn. I never realized it was because she had already sentenced herself to death. But I should have known. Damn it, I should have known!"

"Liara," Tali said gently, stepping away from Garrus to grab Liara's shoulders, forcing her to stop her pacing and look at her friend. "This is not your fault."

Liara's eyes welled with tears. "She was there for me when Thessia was taken... I wasn't there for her when Thane was taken." A tear escaped, and she swiped it away angrily. "I should have been there."

Garrus spoke from behind Tali. "I was, Liara. At least, I tried to be... at first." He took a deep, ragged breath. "She just said 'be with Tali. You need to be with Tali.' So, I was. If we're going to place blame, I deserve at least some of it."

"So do I," Tali said, grabbing Garrus's hand. "She did the same with me. 'Be with Garrus.'"

Liara shook her head. "Are we terrible friends? Is this our fault?"

"I don't think so," Tali said quietly. "We were all scared. We overlooked a friend in need, but I don't think that makes us terrible. Just ignorant."

Garrus sighed. "No, we're terrible," he said quietly. "No one can take as much as she did and be okay. We should have seen it." He looked at Liara, his icy blue eyes hard. "We need to fix this."

Liara met his eyes, a look of determination on her face, despite the tears. "Yes. We do."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: I'd like to mention that my Shepard's name is Arcadia, but her friends that don't call her Shepard call her Cadi. Like Katie, but with a D. Anywho, read on. Hope you guys like it.**

* * *

Opening her eyes... that was the hardest thing she had to do, and she had to do it every day. There was no choice. If she didn't, faceless people would poke at her and shake her and talk to her until she did. Eventually she would open her eyes to stark white walls and shining light, all the while knowing no beautiful shades of mossy green and aquamarine would greet her. Knowing that no depthless black eyes would look back her. Still, she did it. She managed to open her eyes... but the pain of it never lessened.

This was hell.

Saren? No problem. Just some indoctrinated psycho who needed to be taken down. Collectors? A cake walk. Mutated protheans died from her bullets just like any other creature, even the really big ones. Reapers? She'd laughed in their face, trash-talked Harbinger, and had eventually destroyed them once and for all, securing the future for all organics, giving them a chance to live and thrive, ending the cycle of destruction that had went on for gods no how long.

But waking up?

That was the hardest thing she had ever had to do.

Today, however, no one had shaken her awake. It seemed that her body had felt that she had had enough sleep, and refused to do so any longer. She awoke with unexpected alertness, the voices around her taking shape and registering in her brain despite her best efforts to again find oblivion.

"Ash, please," she heard a familiar voice murmur. It was a female voice, pleasing and reminicsent of home, yet she couldn't place it at first. "She needs us."

"I can't, Liara," the second voice choked. Another female voice, not as pleasing, but just as familiar. "I just... I can't. I don't want to see her like this."

Liara and Ashley. She knew them. She had loved them. They were some of the best friends she had ever had, yet she felt no warmth toward them now - just slight irritation. Why couldn't they leave her alone? Why had they not let her die?

"Ashley," Liara said softly, her voice brushing over Shepard's ears like silk, soft and sensual. "You've already seen her... and she needs to know we're here. No matter what."

There was a soft exhalation and then silence. Shepard waited for a few moments before opening her eyes and looking toward the source of her friends' voices, hoping they had left.

Alas, they were standing close together, near the door. The was a red circle in the center of the door, indicating it was locked. Ashley's head was bowed, a hand covering her eyes, her dark hair looking shiny and full, even pulled back into its hasty tail. Liara stood facing her, her shoulders slumped, looking utterly exhausted. Shepard had never seen bags under an asari's eyes, and wondered for half a second if she should be worried, before she dismissed the thought as unimportant. Sleep or death.. those were the only things that mattered to her now.

She tried to stay quiet as she rolled to her side, facing away from the two girls, but a cough caught her as she began to move. She hadn't realized she was thirsty. Then again, she hadn't realized much of anything since she first woke up in this bed, except that _he_ was gone...

Liara had rushed to her side before Shepard had time to take note of her movements, a cup with a straw in her hand. She guided the straw to Shepard's lips. After taking two small sips, Shepard finished rolling over, not looking at either of the two women.

There were a few moments of blessed silence where Shepard had filled her mind with images of Thane before she heard Ashley speak again.

"Cadi?"

Shepard closed her eyes, willing sleep or death or some combination of the two to come over her. Instead, Ashley kept talking.

"Cadi, please, look at me."

It was only the choked note in Ash's voice that had Shepard look at her, out of habit more than any type of feeling. Her soft brown eyes were rimmed with red, evidence of unshed tears, and her dark skin looked washed out, almost pale. Again, Shepard couldn't seem to care... or feel anything for that matter. She just looked blankly at her friend, as was requested.

"Are you going to talk to me?"

Shepard couldn't even find the strength to shake her head. She just stared... maybe she blinked.

Ashley made a quick movement, her hand shooting up to her face as if to brush away a tear. Shepard couldn't be sure, as she didn't really care to take in details any more. She continued to look at Ashley as she took a few deep breaths, closing her eyes. When she finally opened them, she had a fake smile plastered on her face. "Well," she said quietly. "How about a haircut?"

* * *

Garrus had been pacing the waiting room of Heurta Memorial for well over an hour, sure he was wearing a groove in the floor. He heard the doors to the patient's quarters open again and swung around. Again, it was just some other family that had come to visit their wounded relatives.

With a huff and a growl that would only be audible to turian ears, he made his way to one of the few remaining chairs and flopped down, resting is elbows on his knees and his face in his hands.

It had been almost two weeks since Shepard had woken up, and she still hadn't said a word. Hell, the expression on her face hadn't even changed. She still looked... well, dead. Garrus ground his teeth at the thought. A zombie - his best friend had become a zombie._ The Walking Dead_, the show from the early 21st century Shepard had shown him, seemed less amusing now.

He and Liara had tried everything. They had brought virtually every person that Shepard had ever known in to that room in the hopes that she would react. Cortez, Samara, Jack, Miranda, Chawkwas, Kasumi, Zaeed, Grunt, James, and now, Ashley. Spirits, even Jacob had come to see her with his new daughter, Katie. No one had gotten a reaction. He doubted Ashley was getting one either.

With a sigh he lifted his head, looking around the room. Every where he looked was someone who was hurt by this war, who was changed. He wondered how they went on, how _he_ went on, knowing only a few rooms away the Hero of the Universe lay in shambles. He shook his head, trying to clear the tightness in his throat and stinging in his eyes when he heard the doors open again and saw Liara and Ashley exiting. He didn't need to ask what had happened to know.

"Nothing."

He hadn't said it as a question, but Liara answered him anyway. "No. We gave her a haircut and manicure, but it was like working on a mannequin."

Garrus sighed slumping deeper into his chair and rubbing a temple with one gloved finger. "What if she doesn't come back?"

Liara shrugged in a way that said 'hopeless' rather then 'giving up'. "Traynor said she would be here by tomorrow. They were close. Maybe..." Liara trailed off.

Ashley spoke up, her voice harsher then normal. "There's no maybe. We've lost her."

Garrus was out of his seat before he realized what he was doing, his fingers closing around Ashley's throat. "Do **NOT** say that," he growled at her, his face only an inch from hers. "_She's here_! She **WILL** come back!"

C-sec guards had started to move in, but Garrus released Ashley before they could get close enough to do anything, and Ashley waved them away. She met Garrus' eyes for a second before looking over to Liara.

"You mind if we talk alone?"

Liara lifted her hands in a "if you insist" type of gesture before moving off to talk to a group of asari on the other side of the room. Once she was out of earshot, Ashley turned to Garrus, her eyes hard.

"You love her."

Garrus scowled. "Of course I do. She's the best friend I've ever had. The only one who believed in me from the start."

Ashley's eyes were like steel. "That's not what I meant, and you know it," she said between clenched teeth. "You _love_ her."

Garrus looked into Ashley's dark eyes - hard, menacing, and... knowing. He sighed. "What's your point, Williams?" he asked, his voice deflated.

Ashley shook her head, pursing her lips and crossing her arms. "Maybe you should have told her that before you got under the quarian's hood." She held up a hand, cutting off his rebuttal. "Things might be different now."

Before Garrus could come up with a response, Ashley had stalked off. He looked over at Liara to see if she had heard the exchange, but she just looked back at him with a raised eyebrow and a look of utter confusion. That was good news, at least.

The bad news? He couldn't help but feel that Ashley was right.


	3. Chapter 3

_Shock ran through her body as his lips connected with hers. It took less then a second for that shock to turn into need. Not lust - _need_. She needed him, more than she needed air or food. She needed _him_ - his lips, his hands, his beautiful black eyes with the deep green irises. She felt her body move against her will, molding itself against his. His hands travelled from her shoulders to her hips, pulling her tighter against him. She moaned into his lips, her hands finding the soft gills on his neck. He let out a sensual moan as her fingers trailed down the soft, pink skin._

_He pulled away, leaving her panting and grasping at him, begging him for more without speaking. He pressed his forehead to hers and chuckled softly; the sound was music to her ears._

_"Siha," he rasped, his voice deeper then usual, deepened with lust. "I can not tell if you are a gift or a punishment." His lips found her throat, making her moan as he kissed his way up to her ear. "I fear, sometimes, that you may be both," he whispered, his hot breath making her insides flutter uncontrollably. He nibbled gently on her earlobe, eliciting another desperate moan from her. He seemed to be enjoying teasing her._

_"I'm whatever you want me to be," she gasped, "as long as you don't stop kissing me."_

_She heard him chuckle again and felt a hand wrap up into her hair, tugging gently to pull her head back, giving him better access to her neck and chest. He kissed the tender skin of her neck slowly, sensually, his mouth moving far too slowly towards her breasts, his fingers running up her stomach, under her shirt..._

Shepard gasped as she awoke, the white walls seeming like an all too familiar hell. She turned to her side in an attempt to get more comfortable so she could sleep again and return to her dreams, to Thane, where she belonged.

Only instead of more white walls, icy blue eyes met hers.

* * *

"Garrus," Shepard rasped, her throat too dry to make any real sound. Garrus doubted he'd have heard her if he was human.

"Hey, Cadi," he said softly as he reached for her water, bringing the straw to her lips. He smiled when she took the cup into her own hand and drank greedily, the straw making a sucking sound as it emptied. "Do you want some more?" he asked gently.

She shook her head and handed the cup back to him, settling on to her back, her eyes on the ceiling. "Go away, Garrus."

Garrus sighed, setting the cup on the table next to Shepard's bed. "No," he said simply.

Shepard turned to him, anger in her eyes. It lasted maybe a second, but he had seen it before her face had gone blank again, her eyes returning to the ceiling.

"Shepard, please..." he practically begged.

"Joker."

Garrus went with it, just glad to hear her voice again, to see any reaction whatsoever. His voice was a little too excited as he asked, "What about Joker, Cadi?"

Dead eyes met his. There was no expression on her face. Her voice was equally dead when she spoke. "I want to see Joker."

Garrus took a deep breath to steady himself. She had spoken, and not only to answer questions. She had made a_ request_. Her eyes may have been dead, but maybe, just maybe, she wasn't gone after all. His answer was short, to the point, and completely true. "Done." He would drag the pilot there by his hair if he had to.

As he stood, he thought to himself... _please let this work. Spirits... let this help her. _

* * *

"Why would she want to see _me_?"

Joker sat surrounded by his friends and former colleagues, his head spinning. Every one of them had tried to talk to Shepard and had no success... until now. On top of that, apparently this success involved Shepard asking for him by name.

Why?

He had no fucking clue.

"We don't know, Jeff," Liara said quietly. "But she did. Please talk to her. None of us have gotten through to her, except Garrus."

Garrus cut in then, his voice defeated - not something Joker had ever thought he'd hear from the turian. "And when I did get her to speak," he said quietly, "she asked for you."

Joker shook his head, the reality seeming like a far off dream. "Why me?" he whispered to himself. Of course, Garrus had heard him.

"You've been with her longer than any of us," he said quietly. "Even before Ashley."

Joker sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. "Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything. She was closer to you than me, Vakarian," he said quietly, his voice sounding exhausted even to his own ears.

Garrus shrugged, having no real answer. "Please just talk to her," he practically begged. "She won't talk to anyone else."

"What about Traynor? I thought she was supposed to be here today. They were really close."

Liara shook her head. "I got a message from her this morning. She can't be here until tomorrow."

Joker sighed again, a headache starting to form behind his eyes. "Fine, fine," he agreed reluctantly. "I'll talk to her. For what ever good it will do."

"Thank you," Garrus said, relief evident in his voice. "Thank you, Joker."

* * *

Joker had hear about Shepard's coma-like state from his friends, but it hadn't prepared him for the sight in front of him. She lay facing the window, her eyes blank, her skin paler then usual. Her hair had been cut stylishly, Ashley's work no doubt, but the strands hung limply, as if even her hair had decided to give up.

He didn't know what to do, what to say, but he knew he had to do something. He took a deep breath and entered her room. Her eyes turned toward him and she sat up, staring at him as though he were an illusion. He cleared his throat, shoving his hands in to his pockets. "Hey, Shep. You look like hell."

Apparently that wasn't the right thing to say.

Shepard's lower lip trembled, her eyes filling with tears. A choked sound escaped her throat, and then she was all out balling. Huge sobs racked her body as she struggled for air, her hands covering her face. Joker moved over to her, unsure what to do. His hands fluttered uselessly around her until he finally rested a hand on her shoulder. "Hey," he said quietly. "Hey, it's all right. I'm sorry. You don't look that bad, honestly."

A sound that could have been a laugh escaped her and she started to take deep breaths, trying to calm herself. "Yeah, I do," she said. "I'm sorry, Jeff. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," Joker said, though he had no idea what she was apologizing for. "It's all right, Shepard."

"No," Shepard said, meeting his eyes. "It's not all right. I killed her."

Joker raised a brow. "Killed who, Shepard?"

"EDI," Shepard whispered. "God, I'm so sorry, Jeff. I killed EDI."


	4. Chapter 4

Silence.

Her sobs echoed, yet Joker remained in complete silence, his hand on her shoulder feeling like that of a statue.

"Joker," she sobbed. "Say something."

More silence.

She pulled her sodden eyes out of her hands to look at him. He hadn't moved. His hand stayed on her shoulder, but there was no meeting her movements - no reassurance. His face was blank, lifeless... She panicked.

"No," she gasped, another sob catching her throat and making her hiccup. She hands fluttered over him before wrapping around her own body. "No, no, no, no."

She couldn't let this happen. She thought that maybe her confession would help her. That maybe Joker would understand. Instead, it seemed, she had turned her pain in on him...

He was the zombie she used to be - the zombie she was trying to exterminate.

"Jeff!" She barely recognized her own voice, the scream too shrill and desperate to be her own. She jumped from her bed, ignoring the dizziness, the pain in her torso. "Moreau, don't do this! Don't shut down!"

The hollowness of her words hit her like a blow to the face. Is that not the exact thing her friends had asked of her? And was that not what she had done? She had shut down... just like Joker.

"Jeff..." His name came out as a whisper as she dropped to her knees.

She had broke him - as living had broken her - and it was more than she could handle. Deep, convulsing sobs racked her body. She could barely breath. It hurt. It hurt a lot.

"Please..."

She heard herself say the word, even as her body refused to recognize it. She hurt. She hurt everywhere. She fought for her breath between sobs. She couldn't get enough air, no matter how hard she fought the tears, the pain.

The world started to fade, but for once the blackness wasn't blissful - it scared her.

Her vision swam as she fought for consciousness, for air -

A thought hit her.

She was _fighting_ for air...

She was fighting...

* * *

**Author's Note:**** I ****_needed_**** to post this. I know, it's stupid short.**


	5. Chapter 5

Joker wasn't sure how long he had been standing there, hand raised, before he noticed that Shepard's shoulder was no longer under his palm. He blinked a few times, looking around and finding her on the floor, hands over her face, sobbing. He lowered himself to her level and grabbed her wrists, pulling her hands away from her face so that she would look at him.

"Shepard, calm down," he said gently. "Look at me."

She looked up at him, her eyes red and face all splotchy, and Joker felt a painful pang in his chest. She just looked so... _broken_. He sighed and sat on the floor next to her, pulling her against his shoulder with one arm. "It's okay, Shepard," he whispered. "It's going to be okay. I'm not mad. Calm down."

"But I killed her, Joker," Shepard sobbed. "I knew she would die if I blew up the synthetics, but I did it any way."

Joker closed his eyes, another sigh escaping him as he leaned his head back against the bed. She felt guilty for saving the universe. Typical. "EDI would understand," he said. "If the situation were reversed, and it was one life for billions, she would have done the same."

"I killed the Geth, too," Shepard said quietly. Joker was relieved to hear her voice was less shaky, her breathing evening out. "All of them. Legion sacrificed himself for them and I let them die."

Joker looked down at her, her head rested on his shoulder, her arms wrapped around herself as though trying to hold herself in one piece. He couldn't even try to understand the pain she was in, the guilt she felt. Everyone had thought this was about Thane, but it seemed to him that it was about more than that. It probably always had been, and no one had even suspected. And now, here she was, leaning on him of all people, reaching out, trying to relieve some of that pain. He only hoped he was up to the task.

He pulled her a little tighter against him and said, "Legion would have understood, too, Shepard. The reapers had to be stopped."

Shepard let out a shaky breath next to him and said, "I know they did... but EDI, the geth... they're still dead."

"And how many people are alive because of that?" he asked. "You can't feel guilty for saving the universe, Shepard. It's ridiculous."

Shepard did the last thing he had expected: She laughed. It was broken and short, but it was there, and Joker felt himself smile. Maybe he could help her after all.

"It is ridiculous, isn't it? I save the universe, and I'm beating myself up over casualties." She sighed. "What kind of soldier does that?"

Joker shrugged. "The kind who's been through way too much in the last 5 years."

"I guess," she said. "It's still ridiculous. I thought I was stronger than that."

"Shepard, you're the strongest person I know. That doesn't mean you can't feel pain."

"There's a lot of it," she sighed. "I feel like I'm going to explode."

"Don't do that," Joker said seriously. "I just washed my hat."

Shepard let out another short laugh. "You would be worried about your hat."

Joker smiled. They sat like that for a while, not saying anything, content just to be in each other's company. After a few minutes, Joker pulled away from Shepard so he could look her in the eyes. Her eyes were still red, but at least they were free of tears. More then that, she looked more alive than she had since she had woken up a week ago. It seemed her confession had brought a piece of her back, and Joker was relieved to see that small piece of the Shepard he knew.

"Shepard," he said, placing his hands on her shoulders, "listen to me. I loved EDI, and I miss her. It hurt to lose her. But I don't blame you. No one blames you. It was war, and shit happens, okay? You can't keep beating yourself up over it. You have people who love you, people who still need you, and I refuse to let you do this to yourself. Understand?"

Shepard nodded.

"Good," Joker sighed, and pulled himself to his feet. "Now what do you say you get off the floor and we go for a walk? It would do you good to get out of this room."

Shepard pulled herself up carefully and sat on the bed, the movement making her scrunch her face up in pain. "I don't think I could walk right now," she said. "But could you do something for me?"

"Of course," he responded instantly. "What do you need?"

"At my apartment, there's a vid card in my room, top desk drawer on the left. Could you bring it to me?"

"You got it, Shepard," Joker said. "Unless it's porn. If it's porn, I'm keeping it."

Shepard didn't even smile - just looked away. "It's not."

"Oh, um... okay. I'll bring it by tonight." Joker put his hand over Shepard's on the bed. "Could you do something for me?"

Shepard looked at their hands, her eyebrows scrunching slightly, then met Joker's eyes. "Okay."

"Talk to Garrus. He's driving us all crazy, especially Tali. Plus, I think he's pissed that you wanted to talk to me and not him."

Shepard nodded. "Okay, I will."

"I mean, like, now. He's probably still in the waiting room. He's hardly left since you woke up."

"All right," Shepard sighed. "I'll talk to him. Just get the vid card, okay?"

"Okay." Joker gave Shepard's hand a light squeeze and turned to leave. He had just opened the door when Shepard's voice stopped him.

"Joker?"

He turned back to look at her. "Yeah, Shep?"

"Thank you. For listening and getting the vid card and... well, thanks."

Joker smiled. "Any time."


End file.
